Becoming
The road to Hell is paved with good intentions,
—-I realize, 20 miles down.
Chasing my demons to the home that made them
—-I am becoming what I hate, with every blow.
How could I think to distance myself
—-by standing close enough to strike?

I'm too sexy for my wings?

Nap Time?

Yay Macro!

I love photography, but I’ve never really considered myself able to do it. I’ve decided to ditch that notion, and to start practicing. I may not be one of the greats, but at least I’ll have something other than my friends—who I’m sure are getting sick of my camera obsession—to photograph. =p

Scrutiny
In my reflection
through your eyes–or his?–I am looking for you
Afraid
What if I find you in all the wrong places?
My every movement
takes place somewhere between a mirror and your photograph
trying to measure your likeness, in these not-so-little things
But there is a world beyond the walls
From which these faces–this face?–peer over my shoulder
And I have resolved to see it
through my own eyes

Forward
I never claimed snow white innocence
But here, it’s too muddled to see
When I try to feel my way,
It seems the only direction is forward
And I am going
With or without you

Another instance in which I am unsure about the second poem, but hesitant to take it down. Something about it feels more forceful, like a declaration made with confidence and decisiveness. I suppose I’m decisive, but confidence is still catching up.

Letting Go
I am plowing mountains back into mole-hills
And counting the steps
Away from
–this
–all of you

It’s time to put things into perspective. Seriously, I feel really good since I’ve lightened up a little. As interesting as “drama” makes life, it can be kind of exhausting. Not everything needs to be a dramatic gesture. Not everything needs to be a huge deal. I think sometimes we take for granted the beauty of being able to take things for granted.

Mm, what else did I want to say… I don’t know…I guess I’m still sort of adjusting. I used to walk around as though I had magnifying lenses built into my eyes. Everything seemed SO big. Suddenly, it feels like I’ve taken them off, but the things that’s most affected is this feeling like a weight has been lifted. I feel really light, all of a sudden. A remarkable amount of stress seemed to just disappear as soon as I grasped the reality that some things weren’t such a big deal, and that I really can handle life just fine.

Confession

I set myself on fire
and called it

purgatory.

I guarded myself with apologies-
salvation through self-castigation
if I am always wrong
then I am never wrong

I said “I’m sorry” so many times that
you could not reach me through the words
to help
to harm

I set myself on fire
and called it

sanctuary

Untitled
I carve a clean slate out of the dirt
and beat back the fear that you will call me out
And say that I am
unclean
-you haven’t said a word-
I would like to be
pure
But at the moment, my eyes are too caked in mud to see
And I have only my own forgiveness
to bathe in
to ask for?
-you haven’t said a word-
Tell me,
Is this all in my head?

I like and hate the second poem. I can’t bring myself to remove it, but the truth is that when I read it, it becomes very clear to me that I have been way too hard on myself. Unfortunately, a few friendships have gone to piss over the past couple of years, and each time I have blamed myself almost entirely. I make no claims as to being one hundred percent innocent. But some people are just assholes.